interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
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My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?
*Licking my plate clean
Girlfriend)You still have to wash that
Me)This house is a prison
If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.
Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.
learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…
Today at work a lady brought in a gift bag for the doctor, being he wasn’t there at the time, I just put it on his desk. It was a stool sample.
Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”
If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.
I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.
Me: I’ll cook breakfast
Wife: Whatcha making?
M: Poached eggs on brioche with pancetta & hollandaise
W: REALLY?
M: No. One Pop Tart or two?
{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.
replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.
brain: wake up
me: it’s 1:15 am
brain: pick up your phone
me: fine just for a minute
brain: lmao ok
“and this lake shall be called Superior”
all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”
They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.
Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”
I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.
The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.
Oh! He barehanded that ball. Can you believe the athleticism?
– Baseball commentatorPfft. Amateur.
– Every parent who’s caught their kid’s barf in their hand
When the Olympics finally introduces the event “Dropping your phone and very nearly catching it but not quite” then you’ll all see me shine.
Glue a BB into the cap that goes on the air nozzle on car tires. Slowly lets the air out of the tires. Person refills tires and always puts the cap back on. After the 3rd or 4th flat tire they end up buying a new tire. 😏 No one ever thinks to look inside the cap.
“You will not marry him! He is not of our kind!”
But we’re in love!
“It is forbidden!”
*whale elopes with submarine*
I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
[Victora’s Secret]
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?
No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”