interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
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All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?
Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job
Saying “my body is a temple” is for people with money. When you’re poor, your body is a car. Like no it’s not supposed to be making that noise.
breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
*aliens return to ship*
ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?
“We left them”
AL: Why?
“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”
My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger.
–how I cancel dates
Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:
Why aren’t you helping me??
*starts to help*
You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!
[Leaving office]
BOSS: I’m gonna work on my car this weekendME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk
I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’
I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.
Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.
Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.
I used to think LOL meant lots of love.
Oh! You’re Aunt died? So sorry. LOL!Took me years to rebuild friendships.
Acronyms got me like WTF?
My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
Salad is the decaf of food.
Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no
Balloons are all fun and games til they start to deflate and float around at eye level being terrifying
*Bat signal lights up Gotham*
Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*
Where are you going?
“Ice fishing”
You know you can just buy ice at the store right?
“No I mean th…”
Or just freeze some water even…