Salad is the decaf of food.
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If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.
My favorite part of having a German shepherd has to be when folks meet her, and she sniffs their pockets, I can say stuff like: ‘I hope you don’t have any drugs on you…’ and watch the fear in their eyes while they try to remember the last time they had drugs in their pockets.
I’m baking and got molasses on my hand. This is it. I’ll be stuck to something for good in 5 mins. This is how I will die.
December birthdays be like…
[on an interview]
Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*
Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*
Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit
the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.
🚲+physics = winner
How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme
[driving]
ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.
Only 2 more days till the day after tomorrow
I constantly see other people’s jobs they’re doing or have done and think “psshhh, I could do that better” like artists, photographers, dog walker, giraffe masseuse, water boy at a bath house, monkey tickler, Seth Greens personal high fiver, Doctor of Thuganomix.
Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”
[in Batmobile]
Superman: Hey
Batman: Sup?
S: Promise you won’t be mad?
B: [sighs] I asked if you had to go before we left the Batcave!!
I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.
*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”
What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.
[God making sausages]
Angel: What’s next?
God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing
*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*
ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER: I don’t know, CAN you?
BILLY: *Sigh* MAY I sacrifice a goat to the great demon Belphegor?
TEACHER: Maybe after crafts.
Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
How do you call a meerkat?
C’meerkat.
If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it
I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.
[When water has one thing in it]
SOCIETY: That’s gross you have to throw it out.[When water has many things in it]
SOCIETY: That’s soup it’s food now.
I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.