“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”
“Are you drunk?”
“How do you know?”
“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”
#MothersDay
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Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.
Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You’re embarrassing me. You’re a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.
Me: I’ll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.
Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
‘Do what you want!’ she cried lying back on the bed. ‘I love a man who takes control.’
‘OK’ he said and put her CDs into alphabetical order.
My son is more polite to an Alexa speaker than his own family
Apparently, all it takes is knowing every dinosaur fact in the universe
My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool
NASA: what makes u qualified for our mission to mars?
ME: i desperately want to be shot into deep space, where there are definitely no geese
“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”
Do you think anyone fired from Twitter is decamping to their picturesque home town where their parents are about to put them in charge of a local Christmas project, and their only assistant? a handsome carpenter (who’s single)
When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
WHAT DO WE WANT?
AN END TO AUTO-CORRECT ERRORS!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
COW!!!!
Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?
I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters
[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
Dunno?
[Marries me]
It’s so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell
Jimmy Fallon:
Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*
Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great
Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut
I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers
*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*
OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY
BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.
I found a bat in my basement & my first reaction was to run to the door so the light could get in, because I saw it done in a vampire movie.
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel
We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead