Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.
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If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
[7th day of Christmas]
MY TRUE LOVE: Here’s some swans
ME: More birds, terrific. Look Karen my living room is covered in shit because of all the birds you’ve given me, this is kind of insane
Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story
Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the confidence of this woman at Starbucks who just pretended to have a dog so she could get a free cup of whipped cream.
Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.
Sliding my tongue in every hole not breaking eye contact with deli clerk is why they kicked me out & won’t let me buy Swiss cheese anymore.
This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?
Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.
I bought some old lady reading glasses as a lark, a laugh, and now my eyes don’t hurt, this isn’t what I wanted
1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*
I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.
– How was school?
4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions
– laughs
– oh honey– nobody would name their kid Trenton
Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?
Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”
If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.
it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.
“I CAME IN LIKE A WRECKING BAAAAAAALLL”
– me at 3:00am, drunk and naked, on my neighbor’s tire swing
God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away
Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this
[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me
Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the “Grease” soundtrack.
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog
God please let it be a hotdog
The guy sitting nearest to me on the plane is a wizard. He pulled birthday cake out of his backpack!!! A stingy wizard because he didn’t share, but still…
*from his room
8: Hey, nothing went terribly wrong!
8’s friend: No, nothing happened!
8’s other friend: There’s just a little blood!
I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.
I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.
The fact that my AC suggests “church” after “I’m heading to…” suggests I have a dumb phone instead of a smart phone.
Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.