If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.
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Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.
[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]
me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down
Call me woke but the most offensive name in the kitchen is the Lazy Susan. Susan was not lazy, Susan was smart. Susan is a hero.
just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi
Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.
the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word
[Annual Review]
Boss: how do you think you performed this year?
Me: *an accountant* I think I “excelled” at my job.
Boss: you’re fired.
Me: This is such an accrual profession.
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
Today, I saw someone waving and I wasn’t sure whether they were waving at me or at someone behind me. In other news, I was fired from my lifeguard job.
Guys, I found it.
My cat has been looking up at the corner of the ceiling and hissing at it for the past 30 minutes in other news I just put my house up for sale.
The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.
German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet
Kid being grounded in 1978:
YOU CAN’T GO OUTSIDE. YOU MUST STAY IN YOUR ROOM.
Kid being grounded in 2018:
YOU CAN’T STAY IN YOUR ROOM. YOU MUST GO OUTSIDE.
Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.
Me: I’m having a heart attack
My brother: I’ll get the defibrillator
Me (grabbing his arm): no, get it now
My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.😢
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.
*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
Bohemian Rhapsody should be an official unit of measure.
“I can shower in 1 Bohemian Rhapsody.”
“Ran a 5K in under 6 Bohemian Rhapsodies.”
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
16: ‘Why do you drink wine every night?’
Me: ‘They say a couple glasses is good for your heart.’
16: ‘Is that why you’re using two glasses?’
[Anteater eats some termites]
[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”
Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.
I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.
What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?
If you want to know how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me and 74 for our dog.
wish i loved anything as much as my hoodie sleeve loves water.