The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.
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Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.
No, YOUR illiterate.
me: ok, we’re all tired, let’s go to bed
5yo: what did you do to be tired?
me: *eye twitches*
The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it.
Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?
Me: So, where are you from?
Her: I’m from Canada.
Me: Wow, your English is great!
Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.
Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.
Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.
Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?
i think my razor is having a panic attack
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?
ME: not if i want to live
Horse: so what happens if say, Fido were to break his leg?
Farmer: well we’d put a cast on him and he’d recover in a few weeks
Horse: oh thank God, because it’s actually me who broke my leg, and I had heard some pretty crazy rumors about hey woah is that thing loaded?
I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.
I don’t hate kids, I hate sociopathic little assholes raised by yuppie cunts who feel saying “no” will stifle the child’s creativity…
I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.
Spent an hour on a zoom with somebody whose fire alarm kept beeping low bat and I realized, Jesus, everybody lives like I do!
My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
I wish a notification would pop up when I’m texting a guy and be like “Incorrect use of big vocabulary word. Buy a dictionary, bitch!”
DAMMIT!
-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today
I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE
Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
God: okay so manatees, no necks on them, like wet potatoes
Angel: yes sir, and what shall I do with all the excess necks?
God: *smiles and looks over at the giraffe* YOU!
Angel: sir pls, he can’t possibly have al-
God: ALL THE NECKS!
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
{Jeopardy}
Question: What animal can jump higher than a schoolbus?
Me (lips right on mic): Schoolbuses can’t jump, Alex.
*first date*
Guy: I like a girl who’s good with money
Me: the city will bury you for FREE if they can’t identify your body
M: I’m gonna go relax
H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help
Tried a Peloton. Just like most other things I eat it left me unfilled, underwhelmed, gave me heartburn. Two out of five stars, tops. There are better snacks out there.
Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!
I’m uncomfortable with flirting. I never know at what point I show the guy I’m able to put my entire fist in my mouth.