MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?
ME: not if i want to live
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I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS
I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete
Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime
John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more
Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.
Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.
> what do you want to be when you grow up?
[7 year old me watching Jurassic Park] a UNIX hacker!
*fast forward 28 years*
> So you’re still fixing printers then?
Whenever someone asks how i’m doing & walks away before i answer..I write “GREAT” on the side of thier car with my keys!
ME: help theres a burglar in my home
911: a what?
ME: a burglar
911: a burglar?
ME: yes burglar
911: who says burglar? lmao
BURGLAR: lol “oH No a bUrGLaR”
911: haha thats exactly what he sounds like
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”
-my daughter describing her video game
me: i’m in love with you
therapist: *buzzes secretary* cancel my 10 o’clock
me: but I’m your 10 o’clock
Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.
My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds
Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
Critical people b like: I’m not critical, I can just see faults better.
So my kid finally stopped falling for the fake throw.
I am SO DONE WITH MEN. Most of them, anyway. At least one of them. I am SO DONE WITH AT LEAST ONE OF THE MEN.
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
dreams are fun because I go to sleep a full-grown adult then spend 8 hours terrorized by my high school locker combination
Sam Skoronski
@SamSkoronski
Lovers of board games and card games are going to love my exciting new combo, cardboard games.
Professor i’d like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment “lame” on all her wedding pics on facebook
The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
[Using raccoons for a heist]
Pros:
• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfitCons:
• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy