My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
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This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
History: delete
Pics: delete
Texts: delete
Kik: delete
“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”
Hear me out: his and hers houses.
A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house
Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.
Friend: you’re so lucky you don’t have a job
Me, a stay-at-home mom, now with one less friend: so lucky
Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
Time traveler me to 10-year-old me: You know Charles from Charles in Charge? One day he will block you from contacting him.
Little me: Wow. Does that mean I’ll be famous or crazy?
Future me: Both and neither. We’re all as famous as he is and a little bit crazy in the future.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?
nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself
While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.
I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.
[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
Unpopular Opinion: the wooden ball inside an avocado is a seed
{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?
[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*
MAGICIAN: think of a card!
ME: ok.
MAGICIAN: is… this ur card?
[holds up card that says “UGH I HATE MAGIC SHOWS THIS IS CRAP”]
ME: holy crap
NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!
ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?
Waiter: would you like a water?
Me: ew, gross.
Waiter: what if I add some frozen water to the glass?
Me: tempting.
Waiter: would a dirty lemon wedge seal the deal?
Me: [nods] indeed.
Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.
Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.
All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.