If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.
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I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.
Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.
I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
This has got to be the Twitter exchange of the day.
My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.
“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”
absolutely crushed dolphin wordle
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach
*being mugged*
me: “im warning you, i know karate”
mugger made out of thin, stationary blocks of wood: “oh shit”
3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!
Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.
3: *realizes growing up was a trap*
RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?
ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?
RIDDLER: Well, no, but
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?
ME: no you may not
[long pause]
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?
As a teacher, you’re sometimes privileged to witness life moments. I saw a girl approach a boy to ask if he wanted her number.
He paused, then pulled out his phone. Utter joy on the girl’s face.
I then confiscated the phone as it’s against rules to have it out in the corridor.
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35
Operator: 911
Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?
O: Relax sir, is this her first born?
Me: No, this is her husband.
Me recordaron éste meme
You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.
“Please, no. I can try harder.”
You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…
Me: I’m having unusual urges!
Doc: Perhaps we should take you off that medicine.
Me flipping his nose: I’m not taking any medicine you silly goose.
Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.
Me: how
Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir
*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
Doctor 1: burrowing mites under the skin is pretty gross, but how do we make it sound even grosser?
Doctor 2: let’s call it scabies
Doctor 1: YES!! done
My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.