I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.
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Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
send me a picture of a beloved item in your home
please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry
I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records
Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.
Just saw a guy wearing “Eclipse 2024 Volunteer” t shirt. Holy shit dude. That was you up there ?
My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her
Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.
Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.
No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here
Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*
“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”
A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…
“Five beers, please.”
I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”
I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.
ARSONIST: I will be the firefighter’s greatest enemy.
GUY WHO PUTS CATS IN TREES: I will also be that.
Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.
JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling
when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud
You’re not USELESS…
I’m just saying that 300 years ago YOU would’ve been the one to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn’t eat
me: make me irresistible to women
genie: *turns me into a puppy* careful what you wish for haha
me: *raises hind leg over lamp*
genie: wait no stop
I wanna party with whoever decided to ditch their shitstreaked underwear in the bushes at the McDonald’s drive thru.
[During acupuncture]
Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH
It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.
Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
If you ever lose me at an estate sale, I can usually be found wrestling some old lady named Edith in the kitchen over a ladle and some tongs. Please don’t intervene. I’ve got this.
*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*
Shy girl has a crush on shy boy.Shy boy has a crush on shy girl.Neither of them say anything.They both do a lot of homework.#VeryRealisticYA