[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
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[knock on my front door]
Me: *pulls out finger gun and looks through peephole* Who’s there? What do you want?
Delivery Man: You ordered a pizza?
Me: *holsters finger gun* yeah, that’s right, sorry… *opens door*
Delivery Man: *shoots me with finger gun*
bank robber: *fires gun* everyone be cool this is a robbery
banker: *pops collar of leather jacket, takes long drag of cigarette*
bank robber: *points gun* not that cool
It’s not “spicy, tender and mild.” I know this now
A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.
ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.
[first 2 hours of meeting]
Coworker:
[last 2 minutes of meeting]
Coworker: I just have a quick 6 part question involving a complicated and controversial problem that was almost nearly resolved also this isn’t time sensitive at all but I’d still like an answer right now thanks
I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks
Both hands Mommy!
-my 4yo the backseat driver.
Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.
Just thinking about the time when my then 5y/o son wanted to be Indiana Jones for Halloween. He never saw the movie, but thought it’d be cool to have a whip so he could “whip all the annoying people” and I thought it was funny until he told me that I was one of them.
My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
My coworkers are trying to talk me into doing a Polar Plunge. If I want to be doused into freezing cold water I’ll just have someone flush while I’m taking a shower.
How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?
Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.
FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”
Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”
FBI: “K like not anything anything”
Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.
Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
THIS IS THE POLICE.
COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.“Wrong house guys.”
ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?
“Yup, happens a lot.”
OKAY COOL, SORRY.
My neighbor is having a party for his daughter. I have been listening to Justin Bieber for 3 hours. Do not interact with me.
“HOW” – dyslexic owl
If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.
Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.
Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die
Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.
Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/
My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.
I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.