A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
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Teen daughter: What? Why are you looking at me that way?? You’re all squinty and judgy.
Me: I just took my contacts out.
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”
Never knew why pajama tops had pockets on them, but I just filled mine up with cookies to bring back to bed and now it makes complete sense.
Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?
i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
Him: How many people do you think he killed in that movie?
Me: What am I? John Wickipedia?
Him: Not funny.
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked
i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift
“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon
Me: I can’t get this damn sports bra on!
Him:
Me:
Him: that’s a plastic produce bag
Me: I FOUND IT IN THE MELON SECTION!
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
Commonly confused phrases:
In the same boat = We’re going through this together
On the same page = We understand each other
In the same trunk = We’re getting kidnapped OMG
U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg
Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good
Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker
I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”
All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…
If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?
You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”
Me: it’s bed time!
My kids: PARKOUR!
[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: always
Me: Okay, you’re up
Kid: …. Trick or Treat
Me, opening kitchen cabinet: Look, candy!!
Kid: Mom, this is stupid
Me: Do you want candy or do you want to get infected and die???
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
surgeon 1: open mike night tonight
surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time
surgeon 1: haha
surgeon 2: haha
Mike: what
Wife: Who is it?
Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it’s now illegal to fake throw a ball
Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]