Them: This is a knife for cutting cake
Me: [Laughing] Who actually cuts cake
Them:
Me: Oh
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You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.
GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations
MOSES: no way
GOD: yahweh
MOSES: ok so what is it
Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it
EVERY MOVIE TRAILER NOW:
We hear a single piano key play.
A shot of a basketball court at dusk.
Sally Field [V.O.] “Your grandfather was…complicated. There’s a lot you don’t know, can’t understand.”
A children’s choir starts singing “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins.
I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”
*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”
😎 🍻
Sure, I miss the 80s. You know who really misses the 80s? Serial killers. No cameras, no developed forensics, no social media…
Dinner guests: (shifting uncomfortably in their seats)
Lady in packed doc office waiting room: This whole county has flu or pneumonia. It’s crazy. My office has 30 people, 14 are out with the flu
Me: *quietly moves to opposite side of waiting room*
* Falls down rock face
* Breaks legs. Bleeds profusely
* Slowly reaches for pocket
* Pulls out phone
* Checks twitter notifications
My professor just told me that if we get a whiff of smoke it’s because another professor put the papers he was grading in the microwave to rid them of any chance of Corona Virus & then the papers caught on fire… I can’t make this stuff up people
In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.
Anyone else having trouble with their Satnav today?
I typed in ‘Cowes’ and it’s brought me here. 🤷♂️
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
Fact if it’s mother is trapped under a car, baby adrenaline gives a baby the super strength of eight babies. But that’s not enough babies!
I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense
What’s the best treatment for a persistent cough? Honey? Hot tea? That cough medicine that knocks you out cold for 14 hours? New pair of shoes? Three week vacation? I am willing to try anything, especially that last one
I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
Me checking my bank balance online.
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
This is a really bad idea. When do we start?