Getting ghosted would be awesome if it meant that your Tinder date was simply replaced by an actual ghost and instead of awkwardly sipping a coffee, you had to work with the ghost to solve a series of riddles to figure out how they died.
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“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
me: how do we ask nicely
him:
me: go on
him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute
I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it
To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.
GUYS GUYS GUYS, I just saw this dude wearing the stupidest . . . False alarm, just a mirror.
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.
What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
Sucks when good bands have dumb names.
“What are you listening to?”
“It’s Made Out of Babies, they’re really great.”
“…”
2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs
I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.
roman lesbians: *caesaring*
[marriage counseling]
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA
*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…
My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.
I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.
“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me
*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.
I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.
When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:
Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices
“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?
When I was a kid I used to yell at my grandma for drinking and driving and she was like “it’s Diet Coke” and I was like “but the tv said!” So what I’m saying is, kids really don’t know shit
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack