Why am I like this?
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When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.
I didn’t really plan past that, and still haven’t.
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.
I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
ME: so what do you do
GUY: I’m an oral surgeon
ME: *imagining him doing heart surgery with just his mouth* wow I bet you’re a helluva kisser
“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner
Day 1 of being kidnapped.
Kidnappers are now offering my husband a ransom to take me back.
Husband is asking for more money.
Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.
After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire
Cucumbers Anonymous
Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?
Me: digging up to the surface for a bit
Worm Wife: why
Me: idk because I can sense that it’s raining?? How does this not interest you
Worm Wife: you’ll shrivel up you know…
Me: You’re crazy, it’s so wet out there 😂
Me: think I’m gonna crawl across the entire driveway 😳
Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?
Me: Why would I want another empty glass?
[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on
I asked my husband what he wanted for Father’s Day & he said silence & then we all laughed & laughed & the kids went back to breaking the sound barrier.
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
Her: I’d really love some flowers.
Him: Orchids?
Her: No, just flowers.
[emerging from my time machine during the Byzantine-Arab War]
ME: Excuse me, what year is it?
MAN: It’s 830.
ME: [whispering] sorry to wake you, dude. what year is it?
Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am
I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?
[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS
I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.
Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.
How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
*My parents at my birth*
Mom: she’s beautiful
Dad: she’s perfect.
Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.
Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars
Therapist: That’s unsettling
Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite