I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
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I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”
First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”
Zumba instructor: I’m thinking of teaching yoga too.
Me, the current yoga instructor: Namaste in your lane, Chandie.
I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm
if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
Wife: Don’t tweet that
Me: *thinks about it*
Wife: I’ll divorce you
Me: *thinks harder*
Wife: And give you all 4 kids
Me: *hits delete*
Not to brag, but having travelled extensively through India I could teach you all you need to know about living without toilet paper.
~ me, flirting.
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.
3 y/o, sobbing : I’VE JUST SWALLOWED MY SUPERMAN TOY!
Me: Ok calm down. I know exactly what you’ve got to do.
3 y/o: what?
Me: You’ve got to search for the hero inside yourself.
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.
A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.
How to keep the seat next to you empty.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.
DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!
ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!
FAMINE: What did you expect?
ME: lol
WAR: STOP LAUGHING!! ALL SHALL PERISH!!
ME: you want a sugar cube?
FAMINE:… Yes
Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?
Detective: He’s white
Other detective: A muscular build
Me: He kills people
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [looking at menu] what page are u on
My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us.
I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?
“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.
Ad: You like to save money, right?
Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary
so imagine going to the store.. buying rolls of plastic.. tape.. etc.. and after the cashier is done.. “anything else?” and say “oh sorry.. forgot this” and pull out dexter.. the complete series out of the cart…. when they ask how you’re paying “uhhh we’re going with cash”