My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us.
You Might Also Like
worst time to be eaten by wolves is obviously the full moon. usually when something bites you, you can at least say “that sucked, but i know what did it. heres the situation.” full moon wolf bite? you’ve gotta be wondering “this could’ve been a guy named derek.” humiliating.
I can tell these edibles have finally kicked in by the way I’m caressing my burrito and whispering “Ay Papi” Into what I’m pretty sure is its ear.
I keep calling one of my soccer players by the wrong name but in my defense I’ve only been coaching the team for a month and I’m her mother.
Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
2 found a calculator and is typing away very intensely on it
I call her name and I got a dirty look and a very nasty “Hold on!”, and back to typing
So I’ve decided to say her name 32 times, ask for juice 15 times, ask for 58 snacks, and have 3 meltdowns
I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.
Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.
“IT BURNS!”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.
If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer
Meanwhile at the drugstore…
What do you mean I can’t drink alcohol with this medication?
You’re not a bartender!
You’re just a pharmacist.
“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back
Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.
Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days
This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.
Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things
tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive
In the spirit of ‘Cancel Culture’ so to speak, can we just go ahead and cancel the middle school dioramas????
Im out of cotton balls. 😒
[job interview]
Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé?
Me: I believe the explanation is clear.
B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst—
*I have disappeared*
B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired.
[From ceiling]
M: I accept.
trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.
*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I’m onto your marketing scam… #EasterBaskets
Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.
coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys
No one:
Absolutely no one:
My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.
WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break