*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
EMPLOYEE: back again? forget something?
ME: um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
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I clicked on one of those DM messages
And now it burns when I tweet
When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
To the person that put “SMILE” as their name on the printer… I will not!! In fact, I will hunt you down and force you to watch me frown.
When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.
A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?
Hi I’m Dan, welcome to identity theft club
*from back of room
“me too”
“me too!”
“uhhh, yeah me too”
Ok, we’re off to a great start guys
I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit
me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton
The British Museum will take anything but jokes.
date: i had fun tonight
me: me too
me: *mashes mouth against one cheek & slowly drags it across their whole face*
me: that’s how slugs kiss
Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire.
Me: *gives her recipe for my mom’s peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.
Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure
#MeanwhileInCanada
If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?
We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.
Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.
Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”
What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?
THIS GUY!
* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted
maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.
when someone tells me love is in the air 😷
doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry
bigfoot: weird
9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.
My kid said if I don’t stop calling it ‘Instantgram’ that he won’t talk to me for the entire Summer. So I’m going to start saying ‘The Facebook’ as well, just to be sure.