“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.
I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.
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No one:
My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.
(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)
Teenage niece (talking to me while she’s driving): Could you respond to my friend’s text for me?
And don’t make it weird by putting stuff like punctuation.
I’m at a track meet watching my sister compete in weight throw and shot put, and I’m wondering what is going to hurt tomorrow from sitting on the bleachers 😂
If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.
I’ll wait.
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you
When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.
where it all went wrong:
“of course i know where we’re going”
Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket
hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk
Kitchen Rule No 1.
Don’t walk away from boiling milk unless you’re willing to start over and scrub that stove for a 100 years.
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.
Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG
Ariel was a minor and couldn’t sign a legally binding contract. You’d think the king of the ocean’s lawyers could get that shit thrown out.
If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.
Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship
Kids are hard to predict; and living in 2021 with two young kids who sing along to “Who Let the Dogs Out” was not what I expected.
ACED my prostate exam!
My brain is a bad influence on me
[train station]
Man: hey you.
Woman: Hi.
M: i’m Christian.
W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks awayM: ugh. i hate my name.
Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.
*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.
But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.
if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language