My brain is a bad influence on me
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If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”
WATSON: do you even have a proper education?
SHERLOCK: Elementary, my dear Watson
WATSON: but, like, beyond that
SHERLOCK: nah
Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
Shopping for chicken breasts at the grocery store
Price: $7.04
“No way”
Price: $6.94
“Now we’re talking”
My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later
Someone called me
yesterday and said,
“Hello, is this Ross”
I said ” no it’s Chandler”
And they hung up.So much for trying to
be Friends.
If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.
what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep
There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
*Draws happy eyebrows on my dog*
His tongue explored the hole, probing deeper and deeper until she just couldn’t take it any more.
‘Would you just eat your donut already?!?’
If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.
So I’m enjoying the cinematography and outfits but the script could do with a few more jokes.
#Coronation
Today’s life lesson: “I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing them off is a piece of cake.”
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.
If you hit a person with a Tesla
will you be charged for battery?#OneLinersDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
My son walked into the kitchen and said I bet you don’t know what 47 divided by by 4 is and when I told him 11 remainder 3 he said thanks and walked back to the room he was doing his homework in. It was a smooth transition. But now I understand the play and it won’t happen again.
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blo…
Nope, just peed the bed again
Me: hey girl r u an earthquake
Her: aw bc I rock ur world?
Me: no bc your unpredictability threatens the entire foundation of my existence
I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.
My in-laws visited today.
FIL: when I was a kid I stole a candy bar from a store.
My 8yo: then why are you here shouldn’t you be in jail?
I love my son.
“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”
My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.
I hate when there’s a knock on your door and you open the door and it’s someone.
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.