My son walked into the kitchen and said I bet you don’t know what 47 divided by by 4 is and when I told him 11 remainder 3 he said thanks and walked back to the room he was doing his homework in. It was a smooth transition. But now I understand the play and it won’t happen again.
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who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?
me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*
girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??
My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.
I like to send love notes in my husband’s lunch like SORRY THE BREAD IS STALE MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SEAL IT BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE
My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am
uh oh
Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband’s code.
They’re working together, we’re in trouble.
My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.
Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
[on the phone]
ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis
ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis
I get it. You don’t want to name your baby Mary or John or Sarah or Michael or any of these old, unoriginal names when you can give it one of these new, unoriginal names.
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.
My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
5-YEAR-OLD: mommy, what happens if I turn 100 years old?
MY WIFE: you get a special certificate from the president
5: what happens if I turn 150?
W: you die
Professor: There are no stupid questions
Me: What happens if you stab someone with a healing crystal?
Professor: There is one stupid question
“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods
I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”
If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.
Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching
Wife: our toddler just hit me.
Me: hell no! I’m gonna teach her a lesson in manners.
[later]
Me: manners origins date back to the 1700’s and the French word etiquette, which is all about socia-
Daughter: I’m sorry.
Me: please don’t interrupt we have 320 yrs to get through.