I like to send love notes in my husband’s lunch like SORRY THE BREAD IS STALE MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SEAL IT BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE
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I like extremes. I want a nerd, but he’s gotta be an extreme nerd. Like I don’t even want to understand what he’s talking about.
Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.
When did white people become such fucking pussies?
I hope I don’t ever have to provide an alibi because I’ll tell the truth but it will sound unbelievable, like: “At 4pm on Thursday? Oh that’s when I was posting a photo of an armadillo.”
[Office meeting]
*I stride in, straddle a chair:
Yo Guys. Listen upBoss: Turn around Frank. We can’t hear you when you’re facing the wall
My toxic trait is skipping the cart at the grocery store thinking I only need a couple things and then getting to the checkout with 57 things precariously balanced on various parts of my body.
(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang
No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
Jesus’ Greatest Miracles:
3) Turning water to wine
2) Raising Lazarus
1) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.
I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”
How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
Me: *crying* B-but… but you said…
Waiter: *sigh* “Unlimited” breadsticks, I know ma’am, but we’re closing now & you have to go
The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.
Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?
Store mannequin:
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t
Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway
Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?
Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023
My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size