my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely
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[restaurant]
ME: *reading menu* how’s the chicken parm?
OUR WAITER, TONY THE TIGER: it’s grr-
MANAGER: *glares at Tony*
TONY: it’s exquisite
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
5: *comes in room* hey old lady
Me: *looks around*
5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady
Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*
Imagine seeing the most perfect creature walking towards you. They stop. You look deep into their eyes, heart pounding with deep compassion. Your fingers tremble yearning to caress them.
And then you hear those words…
“He’s a service dog. You can’t pet him.”
My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”
Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly
ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire
My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.
I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
I really do love this time of year — the Christmas music, the twinkle lights, the woman in front of me in line at Costco who just told her husband, “We can give your cousin a pile of dog shit for all I care.”
STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.
You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: LMAO! The question should be when am I NOT sexually active!!
Doctor: ok when are you not sexually active?
Me: All the time
What?!?
“Oh damn, that’s my bus!”
When I can no longer read the chart at the optometrist I just start spelling 4-letter words.
[Meeting]
*Gestures to pie chart* “Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds.”
Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.
My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer
avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day
*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.
“Your guy is late.”
“It’s only been five minutes, chill.”
“Something doesn’t feel right.”
“Everything’s fine, Dave.”
“You sure this is the spot?”
“Yes.”
“And you know this guy is cool?”
“Yes, just relax.”
“Don’t give him the money until-”
“Until I see the kibble, yes I know.”
Me:
Mime:
Me: You don’t say!
Amazon Prime: Free 2-Day shipping
Amazon Subprime: Loads package into trebuchet and shoots it in the general direction of your house
Amazon PrimePrime: Lets you live in the warehouse
Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?
I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.
[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?
“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.