WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
[later]
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?
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Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
Cop: Tell me again why you pulled out scissors and gave her bangs.
Me: She was flirting with a hot dad that I had my eye on.
Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?
Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT
I had a rough day and my kid took one look at me, went to the pantry, handed me the Oreos and said, “Looks like it’s a double stuffed Oreo kind of day.”
So anyway, he’s my new therapist.
ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass
HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?
Everyone: “You don’t watch Game of Thones?! Watch it immediately.”
After every episode: “That was HORRIBLE.”
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.
god (creating me): here’s the ability to be funny sometimes
me: omg thank you! so i guess i’ll be pretty happy then
god: LOL wow, you are funny
I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.
*two turtles strapping themselves to a sleeping cheetah*
Just you wait, Carl! This is gonna be awesome!
Jesus: [walking past a pond]
[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]
Jesus: [starts walking faster]
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
my favouritest X’s, ranked:
9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife
LOIS LANE: let’s watch the super bowl
CLARK KENT: ok *takes glasses off regular bowl*
[interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Kidnapper.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“I’m a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop.”
“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.
A very sad, cold hearted person sent an anonymous letter to my wife stating I was having an affair with a woman friend. I wasn’t. What has happened in their life to make them do that? However, the fact my wife and daughter thought it was so preposterous was really annoying.
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.
Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*
Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.
the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free
We’d never met, or even spoken, but I could tell just from gazing into her pale blue eyes I had stepped on her toe.
Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.
wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.
Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor?
Vet: I treat horses but maybe i can help
M: My son broke his leg!
V: Ok hang on. My rifle’s in the truck