[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
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Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
Emails are always signed like, “thanks” or, “best regards”
I’m going to sign mine, “you’ll live to regret this”
peak technology
😜
Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.
It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
Me: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
Husband:
*3 hours, one x-ray and $156 later*
Doctor: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert
Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.
I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.
Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick
Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
Last time I went to confession, the priest made me pause so he could open the urban dictionary on his phone.
*seductively peels off lederhosen
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: Shh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: *glares at me*
Me: Look lady, I can do this all day.
It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”
Like imagine if donuts could run.
“There’s nothing wrong with being single.”
No.
“I’ve got plenty of time.”
Sure.
“I’m not lonely.”
Sir, are you going to buy anything?
A headhunter on LinkedIn wanted me to apply for a job as a bank manager. That’s quality recruitment work right there. Get the English major to run your bank.
I’m not entirely sure what numbers are. When I buy something, I just hand over an amount of money and hope it’s right.
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
A lady once dmed and asked if we had internet in Brazil. I think about it a lot
Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch
My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.