Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
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Me, noticing my takeout salad came with a fork AND chopsticks: “Why would anyone eat a salad with chopsticks?”
Also me: tries to eat salad with chopsticks
Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation
Just found out I’ve failed my biology exam. Obviously I’m not happy about it but I guess I’ll have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.
[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]
God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?
My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.
My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
[God Creating]
Lucifer: Make them wake up paralyzed sometimes
G: That sounds horrible
L: People will love it
G: Hm, I trusted you on spiders
Drive as I say, not as I drive.
Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?
Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake
God: Build me an ark.
Noah: A what?
God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.
Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?
I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.
I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.
People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?
My 13yo son pays monthly for Snapchat+ so he can get a better Bitmoji and I would probably make fun of this if I hadn’t previously paid for Favstar
[speed dating]
HER: I’m a real planner. I like people who plan ahead.
ME: *trying to impress her* I’m already wearing a condom
HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
😜
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m extremely flexible
professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?
me: no problem
The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?
[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
Me: you seem disappointed
Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine
[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out