What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?
A gas station.
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I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best
Co-worker: *spots me in line for Toy Story* wait, you have friends?
Me: *clutching two extra large popcorn for myself* yes and I’m about to see them all
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
*wears camouflage to a family reunion*
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?
I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.
ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.
Haha good job!!
People who shower together but don’t have sex they actually just shower, those are the terrorists. Real boring, uptight, stupid terrorists.
Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.
If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game
8: I forgot my name
Me: Oh no!
8: no I –
Me: is it amnesia, do you have amnesia?
8: no I just –
Me: this is terrible!
8: I JUST FORGOT TO PUT MY NAME ON THE PAPER
It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.
He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
Left my phone in my 1yo’s room during his bedtime and snuck back in to get it. Then, left my phone in my 3yo’s room during her bedtime and snuck back in to get it. I am both winning parenting and losing my mind
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.
I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.
[My 8yo looking for something]
OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.
Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.
broke: animals can’t go to heaven because they don’t wait til marriage to have sex
woke: u can teach a parrot to say the sinner’s prayer, parrots will be in heaven, parrots everywhere