*wears camouflage to a family reunion*
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Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.
So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
CDC: You can take your mask off if you’re fully vaccinated
AMATEUR VENTRILOQUIST: Goddammit
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs
yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese
WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.
THERAPIST: is this true?
ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?
*aliens land in America*
Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!
Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…
if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”
I may never emotionally recover from their critique 😭
To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight
Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over
magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.
The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.
Life plan:
1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!
Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.*5 minutes later*
Okay I’m gonna need that back
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
*sings lullaby*
In the jungle,the mighty jungle,the lion sleeps tonight
If you get up from your bed again, the lion eats your legs
Wimoway..
My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”
For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.
I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!
Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…
This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.
I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”