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My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
The year is 2027. Voice to text is flawless. A young child points at a bird and says, “Duck”. His mother slaps him.
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.
If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.
“Romeo and Juliet” serves as a potent reminder to make sure you’re on the same page with your partner re: fake death plan
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
Someone at the grocery store yelled “space” dramatically, and I responded with “the final frontier,’ and now I need a new grocery store.
I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective
Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”
Me, “Please…I have a family.”
I’m an avid indoorsman.
“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.
Me: I’m sad my favorite beef jerky has been making my stomach hurt.
Husband: Maybe you shouldn’t eat the whole bag.
Me: No one asked you.
In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.
#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.
When I was little and I had a runny nose, I would cover it with a Band-Aid instead of blowing it. That should’ve been my parents’ first clue.
If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.
*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
10 year old: What was it like?
Me: What was what like?
10: Being alive in the 1900’s?
Me: Go to your room.
COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.
Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”
I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”
*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*
Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?
I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.
It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”