Happy “Venmo Your Siblings for Flowers” Day
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devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday
Boss “I’m looking for a volunteer.”
Me *chops off own legs “I can’t!”
Co-worker “I’m busy, sorry.”
Me “damn, that’s a better excuse.”
Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
Worst bar ever.
Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.
Wife: The same four kids?
Me: I’ll be right back.
People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
~ The Okra Show
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min
My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night
Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year
So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.
Me: Why do you love me?
Wife: *shrugs*
Me: Why do you find me annoying?
Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*
Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse
Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.
I SAID YES!!! 😍😍😍😍😍💍💍💍💍 ❤️❤️❤️❤️ someone asked if I was alone for valentine’s day!!!
Resistance training
But me dragging my kids into school.
i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory
“Tuna?”
“Yes.”
“Catnip?”
“On the list.”
“What about-“
“Relax Alvin, I got this.”
Me: Remember how you said childbirth felt like the worst pain I could think of, multiplied by a hundred?
Wife: Yes
Me: My mom gave away a hundred of my Pokémon cards
Wife:
Me: *crying* I get it now, babe
I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.
I picked up a big pack of toilet paper in Walmart and some dude was on the same aisle like “dang sir what you gonna do with all that…” I wasn’t aware this needed an explanation but here we are
Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
And I’m not saying Big Foot is real or not real or bashing anyone’s beliefs. All I can say about that is if Big Foot suddenly shows up at my house, I’m not wasting time with photos. I’d just ask if he knows anything about plumbing or electrical.
Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.
Rich people don’t put their couches against their wall. I moved my couch into the middle of the floor and still haven’t gotten rich. Idk what I’m doing wrong here
Uh oh. Mercury is in lemonade again.
“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds