@BustaFreak98

*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*

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@Marcmywords2

Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.

@alfageeek

Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)

@monks_19

If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?

@TheRealPalMal

Friend: Good for you for working out.

Me: I said I done squat today.

@HatfieldAnne

A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.

@TheAdly

All the good ones are taken.
All the funny ones are fat.
All the smart ones are ugly.

All the ones with all of the above are fictional.