*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*

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You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.


the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday

his funfair is next Friday


I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.


You kids may find it hard to believe but there was a time when a new Star Wars or Marvel movie didn’t feel like a homework assignment.


I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.


It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.