@BustaFreak98

*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*

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@TheAndrewNadeau

You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.

@carboncaitlin

the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday

his funfair is next Friday

@WheelTod

I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.

@IamJackBoot

You kids may find it hard to believe but there was a time when a new Star Wars or Marvel movie didn’t feel like a homework assignment.

@weinerdog4life

I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.

@blaudiablogan

It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.