When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
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We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons
*aliens return to ship*
ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?
“We left them”
AL: Why?
“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”
[8 eating some chips]
8: Can I eat the whole bag?
Me: No, just the chips that are inside
(Date)
Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks.Her: You mean panic attacks?
Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop
I have made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I’ve never made a bad sandwich. From now on I will make no more decisions only sandwiches.
Do you ever wake up.
Kiss the person beside you, and just be thankful to be alive.I did.
Not really appreciated on flights apparently
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
I did not ask for this, the TikTok algo is giving me overweight people whose spouses cheated on them with their apparently thinner siblings, followed by weight loss and reconciliation with their terrible spouses? I just want step-dancing videos ffs!
ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
Me: Please finish your drink
4: Don’t say it like that!
Me: Please consume the entirety of the liquid in the receptacle in front of you
4: Okay
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
me: this is my horse mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.
6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken
😳
How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.
Me : what’s that thing that’s not a bed
Husband: a chair?
Me: No
Husband: cheeseburgers?
Me: No come on!
Husband: mice?
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
*gets several new followers on Sunday
*adds Jesus to resume
If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.
boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why
When you don’t even acknowledge I held a door open for you, I want to pull you back inside by your neck, and say “now let’s try this again.”
All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
Me: …..
If she’s interested in you she will reply
If she isn’t, she won’t
Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take