My monster costume for Halloween’s just going to be whispering, “better hope it’s not the poisoned one,” to kids when I hand out candy.
You Might Also Like
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
Bloodmobile: Sir, for the last time, this isn’t a food truck.
Dracula: Theez iz some bullshit.
[driving to the next town over]
me: maybe you wanna stop and ask for directions?
husband, driving us through the boonies: nonsenseme: now maybe?
husband, passing a ‘welcome to canada’ sign: nome: just ask already
husband, somehow in the middle of the ocean: I WILL NOT
oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.
Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.
“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”
NPR Presents “8-Armed Bandits: Why Octopi Can’t Be Trusted”
– a cephalopodcast
culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.
WIFE: get down here!
ME: *from telephone wire* I’m with my friends
WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings?
ME: *to bird next to me* they’re real
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”
SPOUSE: I have to work late Thursday
OUTER MONOLOGUE: I am going to miss you
INNER MONOLOGUE: I am going to eat something very stupid
Cinco De Mayo
Cinco De Ketchup
Cinco De Mustard
Cinco De Siracha
Cinco De Ranch Dressing
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”
I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.
[First date]
Her dad: I want her home before midnight
Me: but you already own her home
Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will