Note for writers:
If your characters are on the run from the law, they are “on the lam,” not “on the lamb.” Unless of course they happen to be escaping the cops by riding baby sheep to freedom.
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The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
*puts finger over your lips*
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
The French cow says MEUX…
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
[running away from killer]
KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U
ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO
KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.
Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
Cashier: Hello
Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..
Cashier:…
Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.
Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.
Witches love that.
Tammy is short for Tamuel
Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.
~ my pants right now
Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.
It shakes her nerves and it rattles her brain,
Too much Swiss cheese drives my nan insane,
She flipped a stall,
At the village hall,
Goodness gracious, fête brawls of Gruyere!
Do not go gentle into that good night,
TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
Imagine dating, falling in love, getting married, having kids, and only then realizing that the person you chose is literally incapable of whispering
With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.
[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall
Why is it no matter how bad you rack yourself physically ppl invariably ask “Are you ok?”
Sure I am. Why I was just thinking this morning my hair would look so much better if it had matted blood in it.
The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.
So I put one (1) ancient mummified corpse in a tub of water to see if it would rehydrate into a zombie, and now I’m some kind of weirdo? OK, whatever. Halloween is gonna suck this year, and that’s on you.
[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you likeHER: I really get off on exhibitionism
ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool
Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither
me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again
friend: so go back for seconds?
me: no probably longer than that