Do not go gentle into that good night,
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There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.
1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.
Whoever decided to make Peeps flavored Pepsi and NOT call it Peepsi committed the biggest fumble in the history of sugar
And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”
Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance
doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how it’s spelled
I told my husband I wanted a hedgehog and he said we don’t need a hedgehog. Long story short, we’re picking it up on Thursday.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit
work smarter, not harder
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”
Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.
My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.
Life cycle of cat
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen
Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…
I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us.
I just stabbed a pin in my arm.
Somewhere out there a bunch of voodoo dolls just said ‘Ouch.’
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night