Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
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H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?
M: Actually…
*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*
M: That was amazing.
“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
Date: So what do you do for fun?
Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.
[HS reunion]
FRIEND: Heard from Billy Adent? He vanished after grade school. Do you know if he moved?
ME: [flashback to not unfreezing him during freeze tag because he said I smelled like milk] HE BETTER NOT HAVE!
richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn
[ouija board]
How are you feeling?
*board begins spelling*
O-O-E-Y–G-O-O-E-YWhat the!? A cheesy board!?
G-O-U-D-A–G-U-E-S-S
Him: So whattayou wanna do?
Her: I dunno
Him: So…You wanna play video games?
Her: No!
Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?
that feeling when you use the same word twice in a sentence and it looks like you know five words in total
M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.
You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
WAP on, WAP off
-Cardi Biyagi
The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
My grandmother’s secret ingredient?
Cigarette ashes
Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.
There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.
I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
*couple walking through the house they just bought*
Husband: Hey, honey, there’s an attic!
Wife: Really?
H: *peering into attic with a flashlight* There’s dust everywhere, except on that creepy Victorian doll staring at me.
*later*
Friend: Is there an attic?
Husband: No.
Just experienced LA to its fullest.
A girl ate a habanero pepper and panicked and someone offered her a glass of milk and she paused mid freak out and goes “do you have almond milk?”
Leo: You will unwrap a package of Pop Tarts and none of the corners will have fallen off. This is how you will know you died in your sleep.
*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*
My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.
Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone
Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.
It’s getting close to resolution time so I’m stockpiling now