The French cow says MEUX…

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My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..


Cell Phone Manufacturers: We’re gonna release a brand new more advanced model.

Apple: We’re gonna release this shit in White. WHITE.


[at a party]

host: would you like a tour

me: no thanks, but hey while I have you here… which room would you describe as “off limits”


Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.


*runs in out of breath*
Friend: what’s going on?
Me: [heavy breathing] bear with me
Friend: Ok *waits*
*bear runs in, also out of breath*


There’s a serial killer in our house! Normal people: “CALL THE POLICE, LETS GET OUT OF HERE!” – In movies: “Lets go find him” -___-


Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.


But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.