The French cow says MEUX…

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Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password


Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.


“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”


What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”


The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.


When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.

And they do.

And I am.


Man buns are just the beginning, next thing you know it’ll be ok for men to have anything on their heads, like a goat or a small child


I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.


First person to eat a banana: this is not good

First person to peel a banana: dude guess what


a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink

that’s it. that’s the punch line