@AimeeHelene1

The French cow says MEUX…

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@lowkyhurt

Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password

@QwertyJones3

Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.

@daemonic3

“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”

@What_Idiot_

What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”

@Julescoop

The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.

@TweetsofCooper

When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.

And they do.

And I am.

@GrantTanaka

Man buns are just the beginning, next thing you know it’ll be ok for men to have anything on their heads, like a goat or a small child

@robyn_vo

I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.

@PleaseBeGneiss

First person to eat a banana: this is not good

First person to peel a banana: dude guess what

@fro_vo

a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink

that’s it. that’s the punch line