2022 just sounds like you lost track while counting
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Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
Them: Are you Jewish?
Me: Yup.
Them: And you’re from Toronto?
Me: Yup.
Them: Do you know Dave Rosenberg? He lives in Toronto.
Me: Not every Jew knows each other.
Them: Okay, so you don’t know him then?
Me: I do. He happens to be my cousin.
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
[hell]
Me: Why am I here?
Devil: You told people you’d say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times.
Me: OK that’s fair.
Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
there’s a trend I’m seeing on TikTok rn of women in their 20s and 30s starting ballet “for their mental health” and as a former ballerina…….. i am experiencing some real dramatic irony here
I don’t know if this would be classified as “unethical” but I have filled my neighbour’s eavestroughs with birdseed.
Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”
Me, “Continue?”
College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years
I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.
[2 men standing in an empty basement together]
Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”
Me: Ok I’m trusting you guys to stay home alone.
Kid 1: Ok.
Me: What are you doing.
Kid 1: Microwaving foil.
Me: What?! No. No metal in the microwave.
Kid 2: Are Hot Wheels cars metal?
Me: Um. Yeah but why-
Kid 1: OH just wrap the Hot Wheel cars in foil.
Me: I’m gonna stay home.
Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?
Me: An uber haha
Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!
Couples Therapist: Yes
Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed
“Bigotry”
-an Italian guy describing an oak
Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.
There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.
“I want to emphasize this paragraph in my email, but putting it in italics doesn’t seem like enough so I’ll also underline it and put it in boldface, a different font and a different color.” -psychopaths
I saw a dad peeing at a urinal while holding his kid on his shoulders and I was so in awe of his dad skills I just gave him my kid to raise. He’s better off now.
[the middle of showering] I need a break
Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.
If I text you and you immediately call me, that’s entrapment.
Going from summer clothes to winter clothes: Ok.
Going from winter clothes to summer clothes: I AM NOT READY.
*watches someone skateboard off a roof
…hold my beer
“GO TO YOUR ROOM AND STAY THERE”
KID: *goes kicking and screaming*
TEEN: You can’t do this, I have plans tonight
ADULT: Thank you so much
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.