[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
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My teen complained that he didn’t like the dinner I made so I told him to be sure to leave his Yelp review & also, I don’t care.
I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
[creating seahorses]
God: give em little horsey faces
Angel: aww cute
God: fish lookin bodies
Angel: ok…wait, really?
God: curly-cue tails lol
Angel: this is confusing
God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch
Angel:
God: POP
Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”
ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test
Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.
My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.
BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
{first day in prison}
Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.
The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”
nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay
[eraser factory]
BOSS: what makes u think ur right for the job?
ME: *hands him blank piece of paper* I think my resumé speaks for itself
If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.
33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.
u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same
English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather
[bank robbery]
OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
Damn it Dave, not you, go grab the money
We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.
Movie Theater: *lights go down*
Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
My body is a wonderland, but like, the “Alice In” type. Everything is the wrong size. Tons of tea in there. Cats everywhere.
Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*
Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?
*jolts awake*
*frantically searches around*WAIT A MINUTE!
THIS FEELS LIKE ONLY 47 PILLOWS!
[God making water]
“it helps plants”
ANGEL: nice
“cleans things”
A: ok
“u die if u don’t drink it”
A:
“& drown if u drink it wrong”
A: what
Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.