him : can you name the shapes?
me : sure. Sue the square, Trevor the triangle, Richard the rhombus, Harry the-
him : no I didn’t mea-
me : …Harry the hexagon
him: will you just st-
me : Dave the dodecahedron
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You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
I just got arrested for felonious mopery
a good captain goes down with the ship, i personally don’t need a professional obligation to sink to the bottom of the ocean, i just do it
CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?
ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no
I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.
ME: I’ll have the pasta with mushroom, aka the fungus of the woods.
DATE: You know when you say it like that it’s not very appetizing.
ME: Oh, sorry! I’ll have the shrimp instead, aka the cockroach of the sea.
Barry Cryer’s “Half an orange” bit always stuck with me. I just appreciate the absurdity and “non-joke” of it.
Sorry I jumped out from behind the Doritos display at Kroger and started choking you, I’m new to all this roleplay stuff.
Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?
These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.
Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
There’s a disturbance in the coffee.
I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.
Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.
Act now and we will double your order of crap!
Infomercials
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
Flight delayed due to engine issue heard maintenance guy say “turned it off and back on” oh great I feel very comfortable with that solution ty.
I hope my boss asks me to draw a bunch of cats wearing top hats today cause then I’ll already be done my work and I can leave early
18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
4: How do you spell no?
Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?
4: Batman?
(Spelling is hard)
Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?
Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *opens candy wrapper*
Child: THAT BETTER NOT BE MY HALLOWEEN CANDY!!
*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets
My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.
Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
“I’m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money.”
-my brain
FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
The hair salon raised prices and now I can either afford a haircut or a recolor, but not both. Every visit is a do-or-dye decision.
Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.
I didn’t hear “to work.”