Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe
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My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.
– at a ramen restaurant –
Me: slurp
Me: sluuurp
Me: slur-
Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet
Me: im practicing leave me alone
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
Caller ID really needs to be more detailed like “Your neighbor Todd needs help moving a couch” or the “ex wife is on her way over go hide in the basement.
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
date: i think i’m going to leave.
me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.
Eggs are just drums you can only play once
OUCH I HAVE A FOOT CRAMP
You’re dehydrated
[Walks on toes]
Drink some water
[Crawls on knees]
Drink water
[Lays on floor]
Water-
[Dies]
[First Date]
Me: *licks corner of napkin*
Me: *dabs at his cheek*
Him: ……………
Me: Sorry. Force of habit.
[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”
Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?
Everyone…
Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.
Ghost cat: how’d you die?
Ghost dog: i bit a guy that ran over my best pal and they put me down
GC: i got hit by a car
GD: I know
GC: ilu
My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying ‘cat’
Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?
Lola the dog and I have been exploring the new neighborhood, but only one of us took a big steaming dump on the neighbor’s yard.
She was mortified at my behavior but when you gotta go, you gotta go.
I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit
You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?
a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!
I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
Mission control: what’s happening up there??
Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem
“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE
We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.
My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.
Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?
Me: Absolutely!
Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?
Me: Absolutely!
My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream