Mission control: what’s happening up there??
Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem
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Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Friend: Until?
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.
I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.
“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.
{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE
Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?
Me: It’s a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…
rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600
My favourite bit of every James Bond film is the bit immediately after the titles when Bond goes to the office and gets told off by his boss. That bit, I can really relate to.
[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978
Me: dang those wings were spicy
WebMD: you have cancer
Me: I just ate buffalo wings I’m pretty sure it’s just heartburn
WebMD: ᵇᵘᶠᶠᵃˡᵒ ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ
I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours
figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives
ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant
Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?
Quasimodo: I have a hunch.
Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?
Her: We can’t drive the car, it’s stuck in the mud… Doesn’t it help if you put something under the back tires?
Me: Are you volunteering?
“Oh, Monster TRUCK rally. Haha of course…”
*Frankenstein slowly backs out of the room, hiding a 24 pack of condoms behind his back*
VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s
I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.
Greeting humans vs their dogs
Me: A bird just flew in the building.
CW: That means someone’s gonna die!
Me: *grabs letter opener
Her:
Me: I don’t make the rules Karen
harry: finding these “horcruxes” sounds hard
dumbledore: nah. youve destroyed some on accident and one “might” be you
harry: kinda anticlim..wait wh-
dumbledore: theres also 3 legendary items called the deathly hallows
harry: hell ya
dumbledore: one is your blankey
My kid found a sick eagle and asked me to help it
Son: have you done this before or you just going to….WING IT?!?
Me: no…dummy. I can’t lawfully touch him it’s….ill-eagle
Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.Me: *they’re.
It’s weird when my cat paces around on the front porch as if she’s in some intense conversation. I mean, I even checked her for ear buds.
Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.