I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
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[street fight]
Come at me bro!!
*guy rips off his shirt revealing bulging muscles
*I rip off my shirt revealing another shirt & run away
PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough
DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol
What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
OMG 🤣🤣
The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.
It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?
Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.
If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.
her: what’s this writing on your hand
me: I was cheating on an exam
her: it just says “hand”
me: yeah it was an anatomy exam
My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard
Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.
“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe
With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.
*sees baby*
*feels sad that my kids aren’t babies anymore*
*sees look of exhausted despair in baby’s parents eyes*
*sadness evaporates*
Dear men,
Keep giving her little surprises to keep the romance alive in your relationship.
Buy flowers for her for no reason.
Bring her breakfast in bed.
Throw a snake at her face while she’s driving.
I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.
When a possum plays dead he’s “smart” and “instinctual” but when I do it, it’s all “what’s wrong with you” and “crime scene investigators are at the door.”
Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.
Will you marry me?
‘Is a marriage proposal’Will, you, Mary, me?
‘A foursome inquiry’
Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.
Me: What do you say when someone shows you a pic of their ugly baby?
Friend: Just make a comment like “Look at all that hair!”
[looking at pic later on]
Me: Look at all that nose!
Ghost: *knocks slowly three times on door*
Me: That’s not the secret knock and if you were *actually* in the Kevin Bacon secret fan club you’d know that
I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.
Accidentally feng shui’d tonight when everybody wang chunged and I’ve never been more embarrassed. That lamp does look great there though.
Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these
I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.
Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok
Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice
Me: I’m gonna tell em