Cashier: You just have to tap your credit card.
Me: *cautiously taps*
Cashier: Not against my forehead.
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I’m no relationship expert but if your partner suddenly starts keeping the bathroom mirrors clean, get your affairs in order
Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
[chameleon tries on pants in a dressing room]
Salesgirl outside the door: How do you look?
Chameleon looking in mirror: I have no idea
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.
With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS
boy, pass me my luxury grilled pregnant smelt
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.
Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.
The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
ME: (first day as a detective) It looks like he accidentally shot himself in the head while trying to eat his own gun. What a shame.
MY PARTNER: Have u considered suicide?
ME: Jesus Christ man, I just get sad sometimes. I dont want to die.
Yelling “give me back my panties, you pervert” at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.
7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.
There needs to be some universal way to say “it smelled like that when I went in there” when exiting a bathroom. I’m tired of paying for other people’s crimes.
What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.
*laughing* I bought a baby gate (to keep the dog from eating the cat’s food) but forgot to tell my son. A box was delivered with the words “BABY GATE” on it. I was running errands so he saw the box. I got a call from my horrified son asking “OMG NO Why do you need a BABY gate?”
My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
three old people next to me at this coffee shop hanging out and catching up. one of them says “your daughter is doing well? has her ducks all in a row?” and the other says “welllll there’s a few geese in there” and all three of them laughed until they cried. gasping for air.
ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.
There needs to be a Yelp for coworkers:
Gary in Accounting – 3.2/5 Stars “He can’t read emails for shit, but he’ll occasionally bring in donuts for everyone”