I’m no relationship expert but if your partner suddenly starts keeping the bathroom mirrors clean, get your affairs in order
You Might Also Like
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out
DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips
ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T
Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”
Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.
Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!
I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.
Banker: So you need this small business loan to open a Cat Massage Parlor?
Me: Yes!
Banker: I’m confused. Will the cats be GETTING massages or GIVING massages?
Me: Yes!
When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”
I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?
[couples therapy]
me: she’s always correcting me. I hate it with every fiber of my bean
therapist: did you just say bean
*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late
“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.
50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.
Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.
Her: How old is he?
Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….
One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher
True statement👍😏😁
I’ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don’t have the Pokémon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.
an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet
ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.
MY BRAIN:
7-year-old: *using her tablet*
Me: You’re not doing your homework.
7: How did you know?
Me: You haven’t complained all morning.
You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.
Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?
Husband:
Me:
Husband: How much?
In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo