I’m no relationship expert but if your partner suddenly starts keeping the bathroom mirrors clean, get your affairs in order
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[Job interview]
-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?
Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.
When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*
Q: What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty?
A: A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber. #JustinBieber
ohhhhh my GOD I just told the dog “hey we’ll go for a walk once the baby’s awake, okay?”
and she looked at me, ran upstairs, stuck her head in the nursery, and HOWLED
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
Batman trying to get some sleep during the day
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In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.
(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds
I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.
*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases
[god creating sharks]
angel: what is this?
god: *wearing ‘live every week like it’s shark week’ shirt* I just want this to make sense
I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions
Cashier: Did you find everything you needed?
Me: Oh what I need you can’t find in stores, if you know what I mean.
C:
Me: Yes I’m good, thanks.
Dear everyone THE PEEPS ARE MY BABIES please do not eat them. Take them home. Give them warmth and comfort. Allow them to nest beside your TV. Give them your passwords so they can log on to the dark web and order books about witchcraft to summon Cthulhu. Let them swim in the sink
Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…
“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”
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Here I was walking around having a good day when suddenly my 10yo asks ‘isn’t it weird that out of all the multiverses we live in the one where Spider-Man is a fictional character?’
I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.
*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*
You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?
Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.
Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing:
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Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.
shaggy: help my gf caught me cheating
rikrok: *screams absolute gibberish*
shaggy: this is serious she has me on video
rikrok: say it wasn’t u?
shaggy: ok i’m gonna go
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?