I’m no relationship expert but if your partner suddenly starts keeping the bathroom mirrors clean, get your affairs in order
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If you guys know anyone, I’m in the market for a mannequin head that’s missing both eyes and has dark hair…please, no weirdos.
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air
“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out
Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.
Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.
Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.
My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”
just mowed the backyard
[idiot mocking voice] “but deg what will u do this weekend?”
hell, the way it grows i’ll be able to mow sunday idiot
[breakfast]
ME: please pass the egg snow and the toast ketchup
WIFE: *reluctantly hands me the salt and jelly* you are really something else dude
New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads
Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?
I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.
I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.
year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again
People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.
the word “crocheting” pisses me off. like check out this new word guys, it’s called crowshaying but we’re gonna spell it like screaming with your head in a metal bucket.
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.
You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.
Simon: I wrote a song
Garfunkel: *reads lyrics*
Garfunkel: “I am a rock. I am an island” dude I’m like right here. I thought we were friends
LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!
Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but “what if the Nazis didn’t care about fitness?” comes close.
Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.
Me showing up at your door when I find out you hurt my friend’s feelings
♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT
If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.
Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.