Dear everyone THE PEEPS ARE MY BABIES please do not eat them. Take them home. Give them warmth and comfort. Allow them to nest beside your TV. Give them your passwords so they can log on to the dark web and order books about witchcraft to summon Cthulhu. Let them swim in the sink
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Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
her: there’s a huge spider in the kitchen
me: I’ll take care of it[2 minutes later]
her: is it done?
me: yah, house goes up for sale tomorrow
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years
me: you want to lose your mind?
BM: yes
me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children
BM: right
me: ah, I see the difficulty
The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.
I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.
Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.
[Job Interview]
How would you describe your time management skills?
Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.
i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach
My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.
Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.
Bully: gimme ur sandwich
Me [pulls knife]
Bully: hey man I don’t want any-
Me: -crusts. i know
Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.
5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”
Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”
5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.
Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
Am I capable of premeditated murder?
Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.
INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars
ME: [repeatedly trying, and failing, to film a successful water bottle flip]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: experts project extinction for this species
“I’m hungry” Fridge: “I got nothin.” Cabinet: “Bitch, don’t look at me.” Freezer: “LOL. You like ice?”
I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’
[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*
The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.