SENATOR: “Would you agree that it’s bad for Facebook to steal users’ blood and use it to create a clone army?”
ZUCK: “That’s an interesting question that I’ll have to discuss further with our team. Did you know I started this company in my dorm room?”
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Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.
The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.
My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I’m burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that’s organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.
EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese
My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks
*helping son with math problem*
[hour later]
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!
Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.
Me: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. Oh is it pronounced Caroline or Carolynn?
Her: anything is fine
Me: ……..ok Sarah, let’s get started.
“You’re getting an MFA in English? Wasn’t your Bachelor’s useless enough for you?”
-second degree burn
Wildebeest: 5 cheetahs on the horizon sir
Wildebeest Sergeant: How many men do we have?
Wildebeest: 4,000
Wildebeest Sergeant: RETREAT!
Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
H: Hey!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
H: WHAT?!?
M: Nothing.
3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?
Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.
Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.
Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.Worse news:
I’m a bus driver
Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…
WORST THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHILE SKYDIVING
4. Parachute fails
3. Eagle pecks your eyes out
2. You see your house from the sky & notice your parents making love in the garden
1. You’re blown off course & land at a friend’s wedding you said you couldn’t attend because you’re ill
Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.
At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
When John Wick misses his wife and dog, Keanu Grieves
The Matrix Reloaded was a good movie, Keanu Believes.
If he stole, he’d be Keanu Thieves.
When he’s sick, Keanu Heaves.
He is Keanu Reeves.
i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body
KY jelly is the worst tasting jelly.