My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
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I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone
If you need a laugh.. 😅
Quick observation about the passage of time.
I’m 44. Born in 1980.
1985 to 1995 didn’t feel that different.
1995 to 2005 didn’t feel that different.
2005 to 2015 didn’t feel that different.
2015 to 2024 feels like a different universe.
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?
ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES
being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?
me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?
We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”
WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?
ROCK HARD ABS!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?
RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!
Me: I hate people.
H: I challenge you to say something positive.
Me: I’m positive I hate people.
this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.
Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.
me: please go clean your room
5: mom don’t yuck on my yums
me: who taught you that?
5: my teacher
me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?
Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.
I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.
Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?
Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system
Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.
Nothing like waking up on a Friday and finding out it’s Tuesday
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person
i feel like nothing is gonna happen to twitter idk i just always felt like this app would be here surviving at the end of the world like a cockroach
{Talking to my friend who just had twins}
HIM: It’s so much harder than just having one!
ME: Well sure, cuz you have to decide which will be the control and which will be the experimental.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
*sees baby*
*feels sad that my kids aren’t babies anymore*
*sees look of exhausted despair in baby’s parents eyes*
*sadness evaporates*
My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.