{Talking to my friend who just had twins}
HIM: It’s so much harder than just having one!
ME: Well sure, cuz you have to decide which will be the control and which will be the experimental.
HIM: What?
ME: What?![]()
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[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes
When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.
ME: Sorry we’re late. My daughter couldn’t find her pet spatula.
DAUGHTER: Chad.
ME: Yes. Chad the Spatula.
No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today
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“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”
– me, walking my dog at night
Just reading a story about the RAF having to scramble some fighter jets, and all I could think was “imagine the size of the saucepan they had to use”.
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
[inventor of the mirror]
“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”
GOD: Someone please shut those animals up!
ANGEL: Okay, you’re the boss. [kicks some dirt over them]
[later]
GOD: Hey where’d all the dinosaurs go?
*boss puts arm around Alan*
Look out that window, Alan. What do you see?
“Um, chirping birds?”
That’s right Alan. But why do they chirp?
“Because they’re free?”
No, Alan.
“Er, because they want guns?”
You’re goddamned right they want guns, Alan. That’s why we make guns for birds.
I was in a district team building meeting today and everyone had to say something they loved. They chose me first and I said vintage Pyrex and the leader said “not your husband or kids?” and this is a level of awkward I’d not experienced yet in life
[Starbucks]
“Yes, I’d like a venti skinny soy half-sweet one-pump caramel macchiato half-caff extra whip, please.”
Barista: Is Pepsi ok?
My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.
If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.
If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.
nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself
I had a fight once. “You should see the other guy!” I said. My wife agreed. She’s been seeing him for years now, they’re a lovely couple.
I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.
That’s no pocket rocket.
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[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”
<—- homeless romantic
in ratatouille 2 we find out that the secret to remy’s talent was a flea named jacques who lived on his head and controlled him by tugging at his individual hairs
Schools: Children need consistency and routine
Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie
Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie
[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves
“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁
Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.