{Talking to my friend who just had twins}
HIM: It’s so much harder than just having one!
ME: Well sure, cuz you have to decide which will be the control and which will be the experimental.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
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When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.
Tried to type “I’m on my way” and autocorrect changed it to “I’m in my way” and that is probably way more accurate.
I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.
Oh, you asked if I had a perfect BEACH body. Now I see why you were confused when I said “Yes, I’m round, ripe & covered in fuzz.”
Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores
Someone just threatened to call me later
A group of owls is called a flight of stares.
CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?
BATMAN: shit
Horrifying if literal: shit storm
“Coffee is disgusting. Why would grown ups drink this stuff?” says my son, who woke up at 5 AM of his own free will and then proceeded to wake me at 5 AM against my own free will.
[Ghost flies in while I’m changing my top]
GHOST: Booooooo-OH sorry
ME: It’s fine, go on
GHOST: [shielding eyes] No I’ll come back later
*7 yr old talks about red dwarfs and neutron stars for 40 minutes straight*
My mom: Wow, that’s amazing. So are you going to be an astronaut when you grow up?
7, incredulously: No, I’m going to be a ninja.
if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
How to beat depression:
1) Talk to someone
2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.
If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.
[during sex]
Him: are you on your phone?
Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it
Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
Guys, don’t ever tell a girl that she’s yummier than a gummy bear, she’ll know it’s not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.
“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.
I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.
My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream
[1st day at work]
BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules hereME: That’s great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules
me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
me: ok
*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??
“Any drugs or alcohol, sir?”
“No thanks. Getting those things from a cop seems awfully setup-ish.”
2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.
4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.
{1st day as a correctional therapist}
Me: you need to free yourself from the prison-
Inmate: *excitedly unfolds escape plan*
Me: OF YOUR MIND
Inmate: *sadly folds escape plan*