Just reading a story about the RAF having to scramble some fighter jets, and all I could think was “imagine the size of the saucepan they had to use”.
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My wife walked in on me sobbing uncontrollably while listening to an old song.
“Meat Loaf?” she asked.
“Yes,” I replied, between the tears. “Can we have baked potatoes too?”
I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there
Your perfume smells like a funeral parlor. What’s it called? In Loving Memory by Calvin Klein?
The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex
Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.
What’s the best registration plate you’ve seen?
Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.
How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:
Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”
4yo: “…no you’re not…”
Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking
How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.
Make a horror film less scary by putting old timey words in the title, i.e. The Thingamabob, Jason Goes To Heck or The Hills Have Peepers.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*
[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah
Monday: *exists*
Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
If you’re wondering why it seems like there are so many birthdays these past few weeks it’s because we are the result of parents who have sex once a year on Valentines Day
[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”
my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault
Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA
Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*
Me: *slowly reaches for phone*
I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?
My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.
My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.
[at specialist office]
Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?
Me: I’m here for…did you just say witch doctor?
SD: no
M: you sure?
SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no
The wife always talks to herself in the shower. She says that’s how she plans her day.
Don’t like eavesdropping. Just wanna make sure she’s not leaving us.
A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.
ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.
INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.